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Care and Feeding
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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
The school board in my small town is notorious for prioritizing cost-cutting over just about anything else. Kids whose parents have the resources to fight for services will probably get them eventually, but kids whose parents don’t have the resources to advocate for them slip through the cracks. There have been a couple of occasions where a kid with severe behavioral issues didn’t get any help until something catastrophic happened, and the administration couldn’t ignore it anymore. One time, a first grader broke his teacher’s nose. Another time, a kindergarten classroom needed to be evacuated because a child was having a violent meltdown, and the principal called the cops on him.
My daughter started kindergarten a few weeks ago, and she’s terrified to go to school because of her classmate “Jake.” I’ve seen Jake punching and biting his mother at school drop-off, so I don’t think that my daughter is exaggerating the things that she tells me about him. He kicks and hits the other kids, and he hit the teacher hard enough that she needed to go to the school nurse. He throws toys and tears up the other kids’ papers. He ran away from the playground and into the street, and one time, the gym teacher and the classroom aide had to leave the rest of the kids alone while they tried to stop Jake from leaving the building.
I’m upset that my daughter is begging to stay home from school because of Jake, but I’m also upset that the school administration isn’t likely to do anything for Jake until he hurts himself or someone else. Jake deserves to be safe just like my daughter does, and he won’t be until he gets appropriate support. He’s also not benefiting socially from his peers being scared of him. I don’t know Jake’s family, but I’ve seen the teacher communicating with his mom via Google Translate. A language barrier alone is a major obstacle when it comes to advocating for him. What can I do for my daughter, and is there anything that I can do that would help Jake?
—Too Late to Run for School Board
Dear Too Late to Run for School Board,
It’s really great that you already recognize that helping Jake helps your daughter and the entire class. That’s the key here: knowing that as parents and community members, we have the power and responsibility to help all the kids in our lives.
For this tricky situation, I called in a fellow mom for reinforcement: my friend Andrea Black Evans, who currently works at Surge Institute as the executive director of its Surge Academy, which develops leaders of color in education. She’s also the former principal of an elementary school in Chicago, where we both grew up, so she has experience with identifying resources for students with different learning needs.
“This is not a moment for us to sit back and talk behind folks’ backs—that tends to happen,” she said. “We can’t do all the gossip about what’s going on with this one kid. No, how do we support this family?”
Evans recommended looking at this situation in three layers: how you can help in the classroom, what policies you can request from the school, and what changes you can advocate for at the district level.
When it comes to the classroom, especially because there is a language barrier, pull together other parents and help determine what the teacher might need and what resources can help the family. This could involve requesting an individualized education program (IEP) for Jake, which can be used to secure behavioral help.
Offering help could be awkward at first, especially since the teacher might not openly share details about Jake’s issue with other parents. But his family’s language barrier is noticeable, and I would approach them by offering to bridge this communication gap. I know firsthand that IEP meetings, even for English-speaking parents, can be nerve-wracking. So, you can help Jake’s family ask the district if they provide free advocates for families who might need them. If they don’t, another parent could assist as a translator. Other parents who have experience with these types of meetings could also volunteer to help. So tap into the class resources, as this can be a collective effort amongst all the parents.
On the school level, Evans suggested asking administrators about their policies for dealing with behavioral issues so that all children are safe in these situations.
“You want your child to feel safe in this classroom, and you want this child to also have a good experience as well,” she said. “This is an opportunity for you to meet with admin about what their safety plan is.”
Even if the school’s administration does not respond, document every request to meet. And then, bump things up to the district level, if needed. Remember that policy changes on the district level might also be helpful for other students at other schools, and that this change can happen when parents team up. Honestly, the Power Rangers, the Avengers, the X-Men … nobody has anything on a group of determined parents! I know this for sure.
Please keep questions short (150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Due to an incident of medical malpractice a decade-plus years ago, my wife has limitations that significantly impact her ability to “help around the house,” things like laundry, cleaning, or driving more than 20 or 30 minutes at a time. She does the best she can, but she has real problems with things like cooking dinner, especially after a full workday. As such, most of the small day-to-day things fall to me. That’s not a problem—we have a division of labor that works for us.
The problem is that the children, none of whom are old enough (or were necessarily born) to remember when my wife was more independent in day-to-day life, see me helping her with things that they can do themselves, even things so small as bringing her a plate of food or a drink at the end of the day so she can save her energy, and decide that that’s to be expected for them too. They are not exhibiting the independence around little things that I’d expect from preteens/early teens. If they’re asked by either of us to do something themselves that they can clearly do, they inevitably whine, throw fits, don’t bother doing it, sulk, scream, or pester until they get their way. Some of this is my fault, obviously, for giving in.
How do I break this cycle? How do I foster their independence? How do I get them to understand that they’re all 10-plus and can do things for themselves without Daddy doing it?
—Helpless
Dear Helpless,
The preteen and early teen years can be tough! Our kids want to grow in some ways: more freedom, more choices, more activities. But they don’t always want the additional responsibility that comes with getting older. I remember very specifically wanting my grandma to still cook all of my meals at 13, but also wanting to be able to stay out all day with my friends at the mall with no supervision whatsoever. It’s just a normal part of the years in which kids are trying to find themselves, but know they still need you and your help.
However! There’s more they can do. I’m sure you’re raising super caring kids. You’re showing them what love looks like and how we care for one another—not resentfully out of duty but earnestly out of love. That lesson can’t be overlooked here. It’s time for your kids to help with some of the household duties that not only take some things off your plate, but also show how you can lovingly take care of your family.
I use my grandma as an example because she cooked for my mom and me until she became too ill to do so. It wasn’t out of duty, though. It was because it was how she truly expressed her love for us. My mom knew this, and so she “paid” my grandma to cook for us, mostly because that’s the only way she would accept any help once she was older and not working. (She was a very proud woman! And, like many in her generation, she wanted everyone to know she didn’t need any handouts.) But cooking was her love language! She made every meal special, even for a picky kid like me. So now, as an adult, even when I have no interest in cooking for myself because I’m tired or overwhelmed, I still find so much joy in cooking a good meal for someone else or baking a special cake to celebrate.
Meals can be one way your kids learn to take care of themselves while also contributing to the household. Sometimes, that might mean gathering in the kitchen and cooking together. Other times, it could mean grocery shopping and finding easy and quick meals that they can throw together in a hurry. But, because they see you doing these types of things, they likely already value them. And if they haven’t quite paid attention just yet, now is the perfect time for a more formal lesson.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I just had our second child, “Anna.” We have an almost 3-year-old son, “Gail,” and he has not taken the arrival of his new sister well. There have been tantrums, regression in potty training, clinginess, and he will frequently throw himself on the floor crying that he “wants to be the baby” when we are taking care of Anna. My mom and sister live nearby, and they frequently come and take Gail for special outings and report that he does fine. The moment he gets home, however, it’s back to square one. I know this is a phase, but is there anything we can do to speed things along?
—Big Brother Blues
Dear Big Brother Blues,
Your toddler wants some more attention! I’m glad you recognize that it’s just a phase, because unfortunately, I don’t think you can necessarily speed up this process. You can, however, make things a bit easier in the meantime. Hopefully, it’ll help lower everyone’s stress level—new baby included!
Having your mom and sister take Gail for special outings is such a smart first step. I’d also do the opposite: Have them watch the baby while Gail gets time alone in his home with his parents. Is there a favorite game he loves to play with both of you, or a favorite activity that you might not do as much now that the baby’s here? An official “Gail Day” is the perfect time to give it a try. It sounds like he’s just missing some alone time with his parents and how things used to be. Show him that while your family looks a bit different now, you two aren’t going anywhere. Good luck!
—Arionne
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